It was in the early pregnancy, the second one, that I sat exhausted on the bed and admitted defeat in front of my body and recognized its independence from my will. I thought: I want to be active and do this and that, and what not else, but the body does not. For all this time until then I thought I will always have control over my body. 25 kilometer and cannot run, no Body, we don’t give up, you can do it, let’s finish this marathon, it is all in the head, and so we will finish it. Well, I don’t know how to explain that. I made a quote back then and had it posted on my Instagram feed.
Now my favorite time of the day are these few minutes in the morning when I am just waking up. Woozy from the sleep, having forgotten I am pregnant, the baby in the stomach probably asleep. No acidic reflux, no cramps in the legs and no restless legs. My everything bodily well rested and fresh.
Then I take my four years old to kindergarten and I am already tired with the first step outside the house. Maybe I can eat something nice I tell myself on the way back. And I do, together with the iron supplement. I feel fine and decide on a chunk of chocolate cake, and the chunk becomes a quote of it. Later on, I wonder why am I so dull, and would I be like this from now on. Am I depressed? Should I force myself to get at least a little bit excited or maybe I should just leave the dullness as it is so I can maybe kick the bottom and from there will bounce up, hight in the circle of everyday curiosity and will to know what can be known.
My will to know and curiosity, along with the lightness of setting up for a task, are the things that I miss the most now when I am expecting and when I have to think twice if I will be able to pick up the fork that fell on the floor while I was eating the cake. I have lost the power of convincing myself that something is a good idea, and it is kinda funny because I remember days when I will have running thoughts in my head for what to do and how to solve this and that and will wish for some quiet mind state. Maybe now it is the time for that. If only my body was not so loud about its pain.